The Newius Girlius
by Mairead Monroe
Summary: Once upon a time - no lets cut that. This is a Mary-Sue parody. So what happens when Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle arrives? Sex? Lies? Tampons? I don't know - read to find out!


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The Newius Girlius

The Newius Girlius - a Mary-Sue parody…

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Chapter One - Arcatrude-Pandouffle

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"Why, oh why couldn't Hogwarts be in the south of Britain? Why does it have to be in bloody Scotland?" Ron grumbled, accidentally jumping into a puddle as he left the carriage. Hermione pulled some strands of saturated hair out of her damp face.

"I'm almost inclined to agree with you Ron…" Hermione moaned, as she too jumped out of the seemingly horseless carriage and splashed herself and Harry. Harry glared at her, his green eyes focused steadily on Hermione's face.

"Don't splash me." He muttered icily, he shrugged his shoulders and strode on forwards.

"Harry-"

"Don't bother Hermione, he's been like that all summer. He just needs space."

"I know… I know…" Hermione turned around and looked down at the lake below to see Hagrid escorting the first years across the shadowed lake. "Something feels different…"

"Nah, you're just hungry."

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A few minutes later, tucked up warm in the dry Great Hall…

"Nah, you're right _again_, something does feel different." Ron muttered, his eyes darted towards the doors, then right at that moment, a gaggle of first years entered the hall, Hagrid showing them where to go.

"No, I just got my period Ron… Wasn't anything odd at all." Hermione said matter-of-factly

"Oh… erm ok…"

"Ow!" Harry groaned, his hand hitting his forehead.

"Scar?" Ron asked playing with his fork, looking slightly bored.

"Yes." Harry said darkly, staring menacingly at the innocent looking first years.

"You're getting predictable." Rom muttered darkly. Then suddenly (!) a girl who stood out extraordinarily from the rather demure first years looked over to Harry, Ron and Hermione. "It's that girl…" Harry muttered, looking at her intently. The girl was in the shadows so Harry and the others couldn't make out her features, however there seemed to be an invisible glow about her, like radioactive dust. Harry Ron and Hermione couldn't exactly figure out what, but there was something uniquely pathetic about this unknown girl.

"She won't be unknown for any longer. Professor McGonagall is there with the hat." Hermione whispered, their eyes not leaving this solitary girl. McGonagall placed the scruffy Sorting Hat on the stool, and it opened its mouth and began to sing. The first years looked on in awe, but the older students who had grown accustomed to its melodic manner, just waited patiently for their food. However, Harry, Ron and Hermione were desperate to find out who this girl was so they could tuck in to the feast, and they didn't have long to find out. McGonagall called the first eleven-year old up.

"Arcatrude-Pandouffle, Grazyna." The girl who the trio had been observing stepped out from the shadows and into the candlelight of the Great Hall. There was a collective gasp from the Hogwarts students as they saw the beauty before them. Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle was taller then her fellow first years, she stood a mighty 5ft 8, her hair billowed out behind her as if there was an invisible wind. Her hair was of an edible wheat colour, and fell to her waist. The moonlight from the enchanted ceiling above made her hair shine like a million diamonds. Grazyna floated over to the stool and sat down gracefully and placed the scruffy hat upon her shimmering head. The Sorting Hat looked a tad confused as if it wasn't sure where to place the girl. Ten minutes went by and the hat still hadn't decided. McGonagall and Dumbledore caught each other in the eye, McGonagall didn't look best pleased. Then finally, after what seemed half the night, the hat came to a conclusion about what house Grazyna ought to be placed in.

"GRYFFINDOR!" The had screamed with the utmost relief, there was a collective groan around the Gryffindor table, the three other houses looked delighted that this odd girl wasn't placed in their house. Harry, Ron and Hermione gave each other consoling looks.

"We always get the weirdoes… I mean look at the Creeveys." Ron laughed, his voice barely audible.

"You can hardly talk Ron - All the Weasleys went into Gryffindor and you're all weirdoes in your own way!" Hermione laughed, lack of food making her act silly. However, Grazyna came to sit down beside Harry and smiled placidly at the trio. Then they noticed her eyes - purple, like the exotic colours of an Asian sari. They stared into Harry's green pupils as if they were reading his very soul, but she was actually just staring absent mindedly, Luna style.

"Good evening." She said, her smile now showing a set of white pearly teeth. Her voice was of a different accent. Not of the British Isles, not a sharp Cockney accent, a Northern Geordie or even a Scouse. She was _American_. "I'm Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle!" Ron had to put his fist in his mouth to try and stifle his laugh, Grazyna didn't seem to notice. "Who are you?"

"Harry Potter…" Harry waited for the reaction and the glance to his forehead.

"I should have known. Your eyes are full of green demons, and your face is full of much sorrow. I'd also recommend contact lenses for those demons. And who may you be?" Grazyna asked Ron, her gleaming smile never faltering.

"Er, Ron Weasley." Ron said, attempting to keep a straight face. Grazyna nodded, and then asked Hermione.

"And finally, I have the pleasure of meeting?"

"Hermione Granger." Hermione smiled at Grazyna in a patronising matter, it was apparent to Ron and Harry that Hermione had taken an immediate dislike to this new girl.

"I'm from America, New York to be precise. What about you three?"

"Surrey." Harry said, thinking back to those Dursleys.

"Devon." Ron said contemplatively, thinking back to the Devon ice-cream…

"Kent London borders." Hermione said, thinking back to well the Kent London borders…

"Oh! REALLY?" Grazyna squealed clapping her hands together. "That's where Daddy works! We got to see the Big Ben clock thing and _everything_. I was so excited when Daddy told us we were moving to England-"

"We're in Scotland now. We're in _Britain. _B-r-i-t-a-i-n" Hermione said, trying to keep her face friendly.

"Yeah, right. Yeah anyway, Daddy got a job over at your Ministry, helping your Minister. Oh it's a _very_ important job. See, I'm really sixteen, not a first year at all, I'm just here until Daddy gets shipped back to the States."

"Hopefully that won't be to long." Ron whispered in Hermione's ear. Hermione smiled, genuinely this time.

"I hope you enjoy your time here, I guess you'll be joining our classes." Then realisation dawned upon Hermione - she would have to share a dormitory with this girl. "And," she started, in a strained voice, turning slightly to Ron. "then you'll be joining our dormitory."

"I guess I will!" Grazyna looked positively delighted.

"Then you ought to meet Parvati and Lavender. Oh, I'm sure you'll get along wonderfully with _them_." Hermione looked down to the table and saw it was laden with food. The feast had begun. "They're over there, the Asian girl with the braids and the blonde with the burgundy Alice band."

"I think I'll be fine just here thanks!" And with that Grazyna helped herself to a scoop of mashed potatoes. Harry, Ron and Hermione all exchanged dark looks. They were rather pissed off with this girl already.

"That girl is so bloody weird!" Ron grumbled as the trio sat in the common room alone the next morning.

"I don't like her… She snores." Hermione said scathingly. "Never had that problem with Lavender or Parvati. She sounds like a pig! Oh its awful…"

"I'd invite you into our dorm, but I don't think there's any room…" Harry said, smiling slightly at Hermione's annoyance.

"Or the smell might drive you insane." Ron laughed, Hermione looked disgusted.

"At this rate, I don't think a smell and no space would stop me from camping out in your dormitory. Actually, I'm sure if you listened hard enough you would be able to hear her snoring from the Astronomy Tower."

"Bet you couldn't - not with the _ahem _activities in _that_ tower."

"_Ron_. Oh you know what I mean…"

"We'll have lessons with her today." Harry said dismally.

"We'll have lessons with her until she's deported back to America." Hermione thumped a cushion with her right hand.

"She is so creepy too…" Ron muttered, shuddering involuntary. "That whole _oh you're so tormented, green demons, contact lenses! _And all that shite, ridiculous. I mean what the hell are contact lenses?!"

"I know! She must be on some sort of drug, or she's having us on, no one on earth like that exists." Harry shook his head grimly "And she's another person to add to my list of people that make my scar hurt."

"She'll probably turn out to be some sort of mind reader." Ron laughed, imagining her as Trelawney, complete with golden hoop earrings, glittering shawls and spooky demeanour.

"Yeah, I bet she's taken up Divination as one of her NEWT subjects."

"So glad I dropped that… Pile of shite if there ever was."

"You shouldn't swear so much you know Ron." Hermione muttered looking out the window.

"I know, I cant help it though, it just blurts out. Anyway, where were we?"

"That weird girl…"

"Oh yeah, Graynez Anaconda-Poof, or what ever her name is-"

"Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle." Hermione said, still gazing out the window.

"Yeah her - I bet she's going to be better then everyone in every lesson." This pulled Hermione out of her reverie.

"What makes you say that?" Ron shrugged.

"It's just this _all-knowing_ glow she seems to release."

"_I _didn't feel or see an _all-knowing glow_. I just wanted to know who she was because she seemed to be the person that made Harry's scar hurt, again. I reckon this is all an act because she's the new girl, she just wants to be accepted..." Harry and Ron shook their heads.

"Well, she's not joining us! No, I don't want only one else joining this trio. I like it just being us." Hermione and Harry looked at Ron a bit startled, they head never heard him sounding slightly sentimental before.

"You're right…" Hermione said, looking at Ron intently.

"Yeah, he is." Harry said, coughing slightly. "After all we've been through, we're going through it together, until the end. Just us three." The three best friends agreed and shook upon it.

First lesson that day was, Potions… How they cheered. The Gryffindors (minus _that _girl) slugged their way down to the dungeons, only to find Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle talking quite animatedly to a smiling Snape.

"What the?" Ron looked horrified and stepped back, accidentally standing on Hermione's feet "Oops, sorry."

"That is really abnormal." Hermione muttered, shaking her head.

"Hey, I cant help my feet size." Ron said, Parvati who was standing near Ron raised and eyebrow and muttered something to Lavender.

"I'm not talking about your feet, everyone knows you have huge feet."

"Well I didn't." Parvati giggled, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Oh you know what they say about big feet, Ron." Lavender chucked, smiling lavishly.

"What?" Ron asked tentatively, not knowing what the answer would be.

"Big socks!" Ron glanced at Harry, not quite sure what to say.

"Well, as I was saying. I've never seen Professor Snape smile before, or talk to a student as fluently as that." Snape and Grazyna were still talking and didn't seem to notice the Gryffindor and Slytherin arrival.

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Ten minutes later…

"Students… Inside…" Snape muttered, leading the sixth years inside. Harry, Ron and Hermione found their usual seats in the back of the dungeon, preying Grazyna wouldn't follow them. As soon as they had dumped their bags Grazyna popped up, her hair catching the little light in the dungeon, her smile as bright as ever…

"Yes?" Ron asked, his eyes boring into her violet irises.

"Can I-"

"Neville sits there." Harry said quickly, looking desperately for Neville hoping he would sit down beside him.

"Whose Neville? Sounds like a right dork." Grazyna snorted, throwing back her hair so it would catch the light in slow motion…

"Sorry, _dork_? Explain yourself." Hermione said, standing up and looking Grazyna in the eye.

"Yeah, you so know! You know, nerd! Know-it all!" The trio smiled.

"I don't think you want to call Neville a _dork_."

"You'll soon come to regret it." Ron said, smiling happily at Grazyna.

"And why would that be?"

"He's taken on a load of DEATH EATERS." Ron said loud enough to Malfoy would hear. "Along with us, my sister and Luna Lovegood in Ravenclaw." Grazyna looked utterly perplexed.

"Don't you read the papers Grazyna?" Hermione asked slyly, as Neville joined them.

"I've been awfully busy preparing for the move, I haven't read one since maybe May…"

"Then I wouldn't ask anymore questions." Harry said darkly, finally sitting down, Ron and Hermione followed suit. Grazyna was unperturbed by the trios comments and sat down regardless of whether Neville sat there.

"We _said _Neville sits there!" Hermione shouted, clenching her fists tight.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? I can sit where I want."

"_Why_?" Hermione asked, her eyes boring into Grazyna's amethyst eyes.

"Because everyone loves me unconditionally for no apparent reason and Draco will come to my rescue wearing leather pants-"

"_Pants?_ He'll be in his underwear?" Ron asked utterly bewildered by the very thought.

"No… Who asked _you _anyway, you ginger minge? Well _anyway _where was I? Oh yeah, Draco will come running in, his blonde hair bouncing up and down, and he'll go '_Boo!'_ so I can sit _here_." Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other scared for their lives and sanity - this Pandouffle woman seemed to think rather highly of herself _and _Draco Malfoy. She couldn't be of this world or of normal sanity.

"GRAZYNA!" Draco bellowed, his voice scarily cheery, and his trousers under his robes leather…

"Oh dear lord…" Ron and Hermione muttered, edging away from Grazyna.

"DRACO! Oh - my - god! YOU'RE WEARING LEATHER PANTS!" Grazyna squealed jumping up and down and clapping her perfectly manicured hands.

"Er… No I'm not, I am wearing leather trousers though… I'm wearing a leopard print thong now that you mention it." Grazyna drools as do the fan girls watching through the bars in the dungeon door.

"Oh Draco honey - I've got so much to tell you!"

"You do?"

"Yeah… I can't remember what I was going to say… Oh darn it. Lets shag later."

"Yeah alright!" Draco looked as though Shoot The Muggle Day had come a month early. Neither Draco or Grazyna seemed to have noticed that the lesson had actually begun five minutes ago and the class was halfway into preparing their potion, that Neville would predictably mess up and cause half the class to end up in the hospital wing with third degree burns and emotional trauma.

"Ah Grazyna Arcatrude-Pandouffle - our new _celebrity_." Snape said five minutes later, swanning over to the American beauty. Harry looked up rather disgruntled he was the only celebrity at Hogwarts and he wanted to keep it that way.

"Well… I don't know about celebrity Severus, maybe more superstar!" Grazyna beamed, flickering her long lashes at Snape. Snape _laughed_.

"Do you need help Grazyna? It's your first day, you might need assistance in _ahem _getting around."

"Well… I'm finding it can be _hard_ sometimes… When it's _hard _I find myself throbbing with tears." Grazyna whispered, almost tearfully.

"I know what you mean…." Ron hissed suppressing giggles. Hermione pinched him on the arm.

"Yes. Yes." Snape nodded looking concerned for the new girl. "Well I know I'm not your Head of House, but sometimes it's nice… to get a different type of Head. So come along to my office after dinner and I can give you head on advice about Hogwarts."

"Is it me? Or did Snape just _talk _to a Gryffindor?" Harry asked once Snape pranced back to his desk. Ron and Hermione nodded, evidently horrified by what they just saw. Grazyna turned around and smiled at the trio and then stared at Hermione.

"Hey Hermione!" Grazyna looked terrifyingly chirpy. "Can I borrow a tampon?"

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Disclaimer - It all belongs to JKR, apart from Miss Arcatrude-Pandouffle who is a fragment of my messed up imagination, Once the Draco fan girls have stopped screaming they can own the leopard print thong and leather trousers.

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A/N - Please review! I'll only write more if you do. I'm a dying student with nothing to do for 9 weeks… Review pleeasse…


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